Most of the time, I write about things that relate to politics and general public events, and seldom about myself or my family, but I found a recent event noteworthy.
Scandal is something that causes people to start whispering in the dark about you, and you know something is afoot when you see them shut up when you enter a room, or someone else walks in that knows another person.
It would seem a mini-scandal has hit the family. My uncle, who is not the most reliable of independent sources, informed my father yesterday that my cousin "came out of the closet" to the detriment of his mother and father. Then, my mother informed me of this news. Gossip, is what I call it.
If he is gay, then so what. It is like getting the news that the sun rose this morning. I already knew it. I have known this little fact about my cousin since we were small boys. I believe he might know the same about me, too. We spent a lot of time together as boys, and it is something that a person can't hide. In a way we had a special connection because of it.
After all, I am gay too. But I don't discuss it with my uncle, nor my mom and dad. It's none of their business.
I have been gay for all of my life. As far as I can remember, I have been attracted to other guys. In school, like the girls, I thought about which boys were cute and which boys I would like to have as my boyfriend. Hell, I even had a list. I bought them drinks and snacks at break time. I doubt, though, they understood why I did it. But I was a devious and horny six-year-old. Unfortunately, I hated myself for a long time because of it, when I was in high school and my first few years in college.
I would stare up at the ceiling, while in bed at night, and try to have fantasies about girls. I found that it made me disgusted and it was a futile attempt. But I wanted to be like all the other boys. After all, being homosexual was deviant.
In college, I found out that being gay is not deviant, wrong, or illegal. I finally found myself. I can love myself and have relationships with other guys at the same time.
To me, it is better to love yourself, than hate yourself so other people can love you. In the end, everyone comes around and it becomes old news, like the sun rising and setting daily.
2 comments:
Jackson, I'm amazed by the richness of your post archive! Of course, this is only fueling my awful habit of procrastination! This particular post struck a chord with me, so I'd like to comment on it.
Coming out was hard for me. I wanted to tell my parents, but my dad had made a career out of the military and my mom is Muslim. Essentially, I was between a rock and a hard place.
I came out to them in high school, and they weren't pleased at all. In fact, my parents refused to believe that I was gay. Like you, I tried to make myself like girls, but it's hard to do when you're in the showers after gym class!
When I went to college, all of my friends were so supportive and understanding. Despite my parents' hostility, I learned that it was all right to be gay. I didn't need to be ashamed of it.
Last summer, I confronted my parents about my sexuality, and we finally came to an understanding after seven years. My dad is even making an effort to learn about the gay community. I remember the one time he asked me, "Are you a top or a bottom?" I almost had a heart attack, but at least he's trying!
In the end, being gay shouldn't matter to anyone, and as you said, "everyone comes around and it becomes old news, like the sun rising and setting daily."
I can't help but admire the sincerity, wisdom, and wittiness of your posts. Keep on posting, Jackson! :-)
Aren't you sweet!
I admire your courage. I haven't told my parents about my sexuality, much less confronted them with it. I think it is obvious that I am gay. Even my mother has stopped trying to "fix up" her 28 year old son with good girls.
They have a hard enough time with my brand of politics, which I am very open about with them. My parents are Kentucky Democrats, which means they are truly conservative Republicans when it comes to national issues. On the other hand, I am a liberal Democrat, through and through.
I hope one day they honestly can accept me for the dynamic individual that I am.
Now, I am trying to imagine my father asking me if I am a top or bottom! It cracks me up to even think he would know what that is. If only he understood.
Post a Comment