Today is lucky number 13. It was two weeks ago tomorrow that I decided to step down my dosage of the mind numbing drug I had come to rely on so heavily. I haven't consulted with my doctor about my decision yet. I figure it is my body; therefore, my choice. (Thanks Roe v. Wade.)
Right now I am taking 5mg a day. That is a big step down from 20mg a day I was taking a little over two weeks ago. I can't say that my decision hasn't been without consequences. Today, for example, I am light-headed. I know it is from the lack of Lexapro, because I have encountered these feelings in the past, like when I missed a dose completely.
The gradual step-down method is the best way to go when it comes to getting off of Lexapro (or probably any drug for that matter). I haven't decided how I am going to proceed in the next week. I don't know if I should keep taking 5mg each day or figure out how to cut a 10mg tablet into fourths. That could be a bit tricky. I don't think or feel, however, that it is time to fly solo.
I have noticed some of my nasty little habits returning, though, which reminds me of why I started Lexapro in the first place. I have become more moody. I yell one minute and then I comfort the next. It is like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde complex. (Just like old times.) Also, I find myself turning to the old bottle to wind the day down. I don't drink every day, but I think about it each day. Alcohol has a calming effect on me. It does what Zyprexa couldn't do for me; it smooths out the manic wrinkles from my personality.
Despite my addictive personality, I do take Xanax occasionally. It helps me sleep after a long, hectic day. I know it is not a sleeping pill, but it is when I usually take it. I suppose I should go in and talk to my doctor about alternatives to Lexapro, because I can't really do it on my own. I don't want to become a full blown alcoholic. In my family, that is hardly original!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Hillary Clinton, The Reprise
After Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's foray into domestic policy yesterday has gotten everyone's attention (including mine), I came across this little tid-bit on the Internet. It is called, "Vice President Hillary Clinton."
(Perfect.)
If Hillary were the Democratic candidate for Vice President in 2012, how would that translate into votes for Democrats? Also, how about 2016? (I don't want to hear any Republicans say she is too old! For Christ's sake, Ronald Reagan was three day's older than God, when he ran for president in 1980 and 1984. She'll only be a scant over 70 on Election Day, November 8, 2016.)
(Hopeful.)
(Perfect.)
If Hillary were the Democratic candidate for Vice President in 2012, how would that translate into votes for Democrats? Also, how about 2016? (I don't want to hear any Republicans say she is too old! For Christ's sake, Ronald Reagan was three day's older than God, when he ran for president in 1980 and 1984. She'll only be a scant over 70 on Election Day, November 8, 2016.)
(Hopeful.)
Friday, May 21, 2010
Day 6 on 10mg of Lexapro
Last weekend, I stepped down my dose of Lexapro from 20mg a day to 10mg. At first, I felt a sense of euphoria and increased energy. As the days have come and gone that sense of energy and euphoria is turning into a cloud of despair.
I could ball my eyes out right now. I have no good reason to do so. I just feel hollow on the inside. It is as if my whole life has fallen apart, and I am so completely alone. I can live with the mania, but not the depression. It's like the lights are on, but I am sitting in absolute darkness.
Oddly, I find myself thinking about people and minor things they have done to upset me. Yes, they are minor things, but right now they feel like betrayals on an enormous scale. Things that ordinarily I wouldn't think twice about, but they are weighing heavily on my mind tonight.
UGH!
I could ball my eyes out right now. I have no good reason to do so. I just feel hollow on the inside. It is as if my whole life has fallen apart, and I am so completely alone. I can live with the mania, but not the depression. It's like the lights are on, but I am sitting in absolute darkness.
Oddly, I find myself thinking about people and minor things they have done to upset me. Yes, they are minor things, but right now they feel like betrayals on an enormous scale. Things that ordinarily I wouldn't think twice about, but they are weighing heavily on my mind tonight.
UGH!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
My Story about Lexapro
About two years ago, I began my love affair with Lexapro. I started out on 10mg per day, but soon I had my dosage upped to 20mg per day, because I was still feeling the symptoms of anxiety and depression.
I have taken it religiously since then. I never miss a day, or I feel it deep in my brain. It is like a lion trying to escape. It feels like pressure building inside of my skull. That is a signal that I have missed a single day's dose. Over the past week, I have been thinking about some of the turns my life has taken. I have become more than fat. I have gained a lot of weight, which I'm told takes quite a bit to notice on my 6'3" frame. But it is easily noticeable now. Also, my annoying inability to remember words or phrases that I've used all of my life, called dyspashia, may be attributed to my use of Lexapro. (It only affects the use of nouns. My use of verbs is still above par.) In addition to speech difficulties, I was experiencing the inability to remember short term memories. I could easily remember things that happened months or years ago, but I had a problem telling you about yesterday, or even this morning, in some cases! It felt as if dementia was setting in, but I think I am too young for such things. Another problem I had is the depression had returned with greater intensity. I did not feel things anymore. I had felt withdrawn from life. The joy of writing, listening to music, reading, talking, or even going on my afternoon walk, was gone. In fact, it has been gone for a while now.
Yesterday, I stepped down from 20mg per day to 10mg per day. It seems that you can easily snap those pills in half. They are scored down the middle after all. I woke up this morning with a feeling of exuberance! That is a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. What makes it even more odd is that it occurred on a rainy day, which can usually bring me down on my best day. I'm not complaining, though!
My brain feels like it is waking up from a long sleep. My recent memories feel like dreams, fittingly. My thoughts felt like a car stalled on the side of the road while watching other cars go by at a snail's pace.
I am going to keep taking 10mg a day until next Saturday, and then I am going to step down to 5mg for a week. Then I am going to try and fly without them for a week. I am not sure what will happen, but I think I can live with the feelings of anxiety, if I can just live life again.
Right now my brain has a thousand different thoughts running through it. I want to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs, "I'm alive, again, bitches!"
I have taken it religiously since then. I never miss a day, or I feel it deep in my brain. It is like a lion trying to escape. It feels like pressure building inside of my skull. That is a signal that I have missed a single day's dose. Over the past week, I have been thinking about some of the turns my life has taken. I have become more than fat. I have gained a lot of weight, which I'm told takes quite a bit to notice on my 6'3" frame. But it is easily noticeable now. Also, my annoying inability to remember words or phrases that I've used all of my life, called dyspashia, may be attributed to my use of Lexapro. (It only affects the use of nouns. My use of verbs is still above par.) In addition to speech difficulties, I was experiencing the inability to remember short term memories. I could easily remember things that happened months or years ago, but I had a problem telling you about yesterday, or even this morning, in some cases! It felt as if dementia was setting in, but I think I am too young for such things. Another problem I had is the depression had returned with greater intensity. I did not feel things anymore. I had felt withdrawn from life. The joy of writing, listening to music, reading, talking, or even going on my afternoon walk, was gone. In fact, it has been gone for a while now.
Yesterday, I stepped down from 20mg per day to 10mg per day. It seems that you can easily snap those pills in half. They are scored down the middle after all. I woke up this morning with a feeling of exuberance! That is a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. What makes it even more odd is that it occurred on a rainy day, which can usually bring me down on my best day. I'm not complaining, though!
My brain feels like it is waking up from a long sleep. My recent memories feel like dreams, fittingly. My thoughts felt like a car stalled on the side of the road while watching other cars go by at a snail's pace.
I am going to keep taking 10mg a day until next Saturday, and then I am going to step down to 5mg for a week. Then I am going to try and fly without them for a week. I am not sure what will happen, but I think I can live with the feelings of anxiety, if I can just live life again.
Right now my brain has a thousand different thoughts running through it. I want to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs, "I'm alive, again, bitches!"
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Obama's Supreme Court Nominee
White House sources are saying that President Barack Obama will make an announcement tomorrow nominating United States Solicitor General Elena Kagan as an associate justice of the Supreme Court.
(Or so I read on HuffPost...we'll wait and see what happens.)
(Or so I read on HuffPost...we'll wait and see what happens.)
Betty White was Beautiful
Last night marked the first time I have tuned into NBC's Saturday Night Live program in what is surely years. And, I only tuned in to see the much talked about former Golden Girl herself, Betty White.
While she publicized the fact she is 88-and-half years old throughout the program, she was witty and devilishly delicious with her running grandmother-inappropriate banter and gags. She made fun of her generation, by saying if she wanted to connect with her friends, she'd have more luck with a Ouija board than Facebook.
It was truly an honor to see Betty White doing what she does best, which is making people laugh. She has a way about her that makes her appear quite benevolent, but what you find is a moist and decadently malevolent muffin. (Yet, another reference to a joke from the program.)
So, to Betty White, thank you for being a friend. I've been down that road with you many times in the past, as a loyal Golden Girls fan (I've only seen every episode a hundred times and each time they get better).
While she publicized the fact she is 88-and-half years old throughout the program, she was witty and devilishly delicious with her running grandmother-inappropriate banter and gags. She made fun of her generation, by saying if she wanted to connect with her friends, she'd have more luck with a Ouija board than Facebook.
It was truly an honor to see Betty White doing what she does best, which is making people laugh. She has a way about her that makes her appear quite benevolent, but what you find is a moist and decadently malevolent muffin. (Yet, another reference to a joke from the program.)
So, to Betty White, thank you for being a friend. I've been down that road with you many times in the past, as a loyal Golden Girls fan (I've only seen every episode a hundred times and each time they get better).
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Kentucky Derby
This rainy first Saturday in May brings us the 136th Run for the Roses (and $2 million).
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