Emotional Poverty

I was thinking today about life. It is funny how things sneak into your consciousness. It can happen when you see something, smell something, dream something, anything really.

I had a personal epiphany, of sorts, today. It is really possible to have material wealth and suffer from what I call emotional poverty. What is true for me is one simple fact: I got so busy living that I forget to get a life. That may sound like an oxymoron, but they are two vastly different things.

There is a gaping hole in my life. I am essentially alone in personal matters. I attempt to fill the void in my soul with materialistic things and fantasies, but it does little good. I live in denial every single day while pretending as if my life is wonderful and couldn't be any better. In fact, my life is quite pathetic and bizarre. I judge myself much too harshly in areas where I should loosen up, which in turn may lead to personal happiness.

I'm not sure what people see when they look at me. Perhaps, they know I am compensating for something, or perhaps they have no clue. Sometimes I feel so naked to the world; it is like I am trapped in a glass cage from which I cannot escape and everyone is laughing and pointing at me. When in reality, they probably don't notice me at all.

I am a narcissist, I admit it freely. I think of myself much too highly on the outside, while I cower on the inside. I am much too critical of those in my world. Unfortunately, that world is shrinking and growing dimmer. It's like a madness that drains the spirit of feeling while begging to experience a slight, caring touch. The harder I try to make the world like me, the more it eludes me.

I'm babbling on and on. I am hysterical, even. But I am calm on the outside. One day, just maybe, my outside persona will project my internal nature. It is the cruel duality of my existence.